My Emetophobia Journey: My First Shift Back at the Nursing Home!

Hi Readers,

First of all, I would just like to thank everyone who read my blog yesterday, I have been truly overwhelmed with the support I have received. It seems there are many people suffering with Emetophobia in silence, not even knowing the name of the phobia they have, feeling alone and frightened. I sincerely hope that I can make this blog reach as many people as possible so I can encourage them to seek professional help and most of all realise that they are not alone, mad or silly.

So, on to the topic of this post; my first day back at the Nursing Home. I knew that today would be a big challenge for me. Unpredictable residents who can suddenly v**** without warning, lots of nasty smells which induce n****a, trapped inside a warm environment where viruses and bugs are often rife and having to eat in public. However, on the positive side, I have the pleasure of caring for a wonderful bunch of interesting and unique residents, each with their own individual story to share. Working with some of the best carers, close friends in an environment which is very familiar to me, where I feel I can make a true difference to someones life.

I was determined to rise to the new challenge for many different reasons and utilise my newly learnt CBT techniques, but mainly to go back into a job I know I love. It is safe to say, after a sleepless and anxious night, filled with panic, I thought I had taken on too much to soon. However, I found the strength to carry on, trying to push the positives of the situation to the forefront of my mind and the negatives to the back. I spent the journey to work feeling anxious and on edge, however, with fighting spirit and a good dose of determination, I made it into work, something I doubted whether or not I would be able to achieve.

Once I entered the building, it felt like I had never left, all my colleagues and friends chatting amongst an array of noise from the residents; my anxiety started to melt. My first challenge came when I was asked to aid a resident in her personal care tasks and I was informed she had been suffering with a stomach virus and repeated episodes of v********. Instinct told me to panic and run, however, I chose not to follow them and instead selected the ‘rationalizing’ technique my CBT therapist had taught me, something which I will explain step by later on in this entry. Through using this technique, I was able to aid the resident calmly and attentively without worry. For the first time in a long while, I felt proud, like I had taken a big step towards beating Emetophobia and it gave my a renew sense of determination to keep taking new steps to recovery.

The next challenge I faced was feeding many different residents their breakfast and then later on in the shift, dinner. This is one of the things I was particularly nervous about due to a past bad experience of a resident v******** on me without warning. However, again I used my rationalizing technique to good effect and ended up enjoying watching the residents enjoy their food. I started to feel much less anxious and really settle into my work, remembering why I love the caring profession.

Unfortunately, at around 2:00pm with two more hours to go on my shift, I started to feel extremely n******s and instantly started to panic. I tried to rationalize as I had done before, however, struggled to calm down and decided to try and distract myself by completely shutting off and focusing on the residents. I told myself repeatedly in my head that I COULD do this and that I was not going to let the Emetophobia beat me this time. After, a difficult 90 mins, I calmed down and was able to enjoy the rest of my shift, even dealing with a resident with severe d******* without any problems, making sure she was clean and comfortable and not embarrassed.

Before I knew it, 4pm had rolled around and it was the end of my shift. I said goodbye to everyone, walking out feeling proud and hardly being able to believe that I have managed to complete the shift and not just that, but enjoy it. Emetophobia can be beaten and I will be going back for my second shift on Tuesday feeling more positive and hopefully less anxious. Safe to say, it is Chloe, 1 and Emetophobia, 0! To everyone out there with Emetophobia, remember you CAN do anything you put your mind to, however challenging or impossible it may seem. Please have the confidence to take a step and give something a try, yes you may not succeed the first time but you will succeed in the end.

Lastly, I thought I would share with you the rationalizing technique that I used to help me get through my shift today. Before I do this, I would like to make it clear that I am not a health professional nor do I hold any qualifications in therapy. The version of the rationalizing technique which I am going to share with you is my own adaptation of the one that my CBT therapist taught me.

The Rationalizing Technique (Done in your head or on paper, depending on the situation.)

1. Set a clear goal of the task that you want to achieve e.g washing and dressing a resident with a SV.
2. Identify the problem/s which are making you anxious or preventing you from completing the task e.g I may catch the SV and v****.
3. Contradict the problem you have identified with a more realistic statement eg I will be wearing gloves and an apron and can wash my hands afterward. I have an immune system being near to someone with an SV does not mean I will catch it or v****. Overall, so long as I practice good hygiene, it is very unlikely that I will catch anything.
4. Re-evaluate the situation and challenge yourself to complete the original task e.g  Although, I am nervous, being near the resident does not mean that I will contract a SV and it is important that I wash and dress them so they are clean and happy.

The above method takes ALOT of practice but you will eventually be able to do it without barely thinking, rationalizing situations before they even become a problem. Myself, I am still learning and although I sometimes find the technique challenging, I find with perseverance, it does really help me and can enable me to put myself in situations I find difficult.

Thank-you very much for reading and I really hope you have found this helpful. If anyone has any questions feel free to email me at myemetophobiajourney@hotmail.com and I will reply as soon as possible. Keeping taking steps to beat Emetophobia, you are not alone and it DOES get better.

Chlo x

My Emetophobia Journey to Date: Meet Chloe!

Hi Readers,

Here it is, the first post of my first ever blog. How exciting? I decided to start a blog for several reasons; the lack of support and awareness for Emetophobia, to log my journey of recovery and most importantly, to make people living with Emetophobia realise that they are not alone. If this blog reaches just one person with Emetophobia and makes their day just slightly better then it will be 100% worth it!

So, firstly, I thought I would share with you a little bit about myself and my journey living and recovering from Emetophobia so far. My name is Chloe, Chlo for short and I am 19 years of age. I have many hobbies including singing, dancing and playing various instruments, as well as keeping fit and most importantly spending time with loved ones. I currently live with my parents, close by to my family and friends. I am a open lesbian and have been with my girlfriend, Sian, for over 15 months now. Sounds just like the introduction of a ‘typical’ teenager, eh? Except I have been living with severe Emetophobia leading to Anxiety for nearly two years now.

Emetophobia first entered my life aged 18 whilst in hospital suffering from a nasty Kidney Infection where I was given very strong Antibiotics which made me extremely nauseous. I felt frightened, panicked and hysterical when I realized I may actually v****, however, at the time, I did not recognize that this was in fact the start of my battle with Emetophobia. In the nine months following this experience, I found myself struggling to get on the train to visit my girlfriend, unable to eat food out, unable to drink alcohol or go out with friends without causing severe anxiety and panic attacks. To make things more complicated, I was working as a Care Assistant in a Nursing Home for people with advanced Dementia where bugs are often rife and v******** was a regular occurrence. Although, I stuck it out I found myself extremely anxious before shifts, often restricting my own food intake to ‘decrease’ the chance I may v**** and this in turn had a drastic impact on my health, meaning I have increasing time off work, ill.

In November 2013, I secured my place on the Adult Nursing degree course at UEA for the January 2014 intake, something which although, frightened me, I had been longing to do so I could fulfill my dream to help others. However, it was later this month I finally realized that the anxiety that was plaguing my every moment was down to Emetophobia and that I was not going ‘mad.’  I felt very alone and frightened plus the condition was so poorly understood or recognised that I didn’t know where to seek help or how to tell friends and family. In December 2013, I started Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) which slightly helped, until it got to exposure therapy, I wasn’t ready so I lied to my therapist and said that I wasn’t having problems anymore. It couldn’t have been further from the truth really, I was anxious about v********, especially in front of people, others v********, or catching a bug from the moment I woke up to the moment I slept at night.

In January 2014, I moved down to Norwich to start my degree in Adult Nursing, I started off well, however, I was restricting my food intake, due to fear of v****, finding lectures tricky due to being in a room with lots of people and getting extremely agitated if I was unable to sit on the end of the row. I couldn’t enjoy anything University life entailed, found nights out impossible and struggled to go anywhere due to fear of being s*** in public. By March 2014, it was time for my first placement on a real life after surgical ward. Safe to say, I loved it, in those two weeks I knew I was meant to be a Nurse. However, when a patient had a bug, I was frightened to death that I may have caught it and became even more anxious than I had ever been. Avoiding patients after anesthetic in case they may v**** and feeling constantly anxious that someone would v**** or give me a bug which may make me v****.  By the end of March 2014, I had lost nearly two stone in weight and was too unwell to continue my course and I moved back home after another stay in hospital.

After moving home, I spent the next 8 weeks in bed, not daring to go out much and being constantly worried that I was ill therefore, making myself more poorly. I had given up, Emetophobia had won and I had decided not to go back to Nursing. Around a week later, a long-term very close friend messaged me saying she wanted to talk to me. What she said to me must have been extremely hard to say and I will always be grateful to her because the next day I rang the University and asked if I could return just months later for the September 2014 intake. Emetophobia was NOT going to beat me and I was not going to give up, I could get through it and achieve what I had always wanted to.

That brings me to now, I have started CBT again with a different therapist and have had three session so far. I also got a temporary office job for a few weeks, however, I have set myself a challenge and tomorrow I will be going back to my old place of work, the Nursing Home where I will have to face my fear head on. I have gained 12lbs in weight already and am working hard to gain the rest of the weight that I lost due to Emetophobia. This week I achieved something I never thought I would do again, I went on a day out with my girlfriend, away from my home town and I was able to eat out too! I still have severe Emetophobia, but things are improving, they really do get better with a lot of effort and support.

This is only the start of my journey, I have a long road to recovery, but there IS an end to Emetophobia and it will not stop me achieving my dream of being a Nurse, I will not let it. To everyone out there with Emetophobia, you CAN do this, take it one step at a time and there will be an end. Together we can beat Emetophobia, I personally will not let it beat me, however hard it will be to over come it.

Thank-you very much for reading, I will continue to update the blog, share tips that I have found helpful, share my own Journey and hopeful help others out there who are feeling alone. Please share my story, I want to reach as many people as possible and let everyone with Emetophobia know that they are NOT alone.

Chlo x